I Feel Vindicated At Last!... But Not So Good About It...

It's been a while since I posted on something that wasn't a rant, aside from the piece about the Hanes commercial :) I keep saying I'll post about my boyfriend asking my Dad for my hand in marriage, my school updates, etc., then get caught up and forget or get too tired to do anything at all.

Anyway, I finally made it back to the doctor because I still feel crappy. Between the almost constant nausea, intestinal pain, exhaustion and headaches that have stuck around pretty much in one spot (with occasional movement elsewhere), my doc decided to - finally - set up an abdominal xray and an MRI for my head.

The xray showed up fine, despite persisting symptoms, but the MRI turned up some interesting results. It turns out there are lesions on my brain. I was so upset yesterday after finding out that I could do nothing but cry and look up any and all possible causes for such a thing...which are MANY and VARIED!

I kept telling myself not to get so upset because we don't yet know how serious it is (I have an appointment with a new neurologist Monday for further tests). It could be something major, like a tumor, aneurysm or Multiple Sclerosis...OR it could be something caused by the hormone therapy I had a couple years ago (which triggered the worst of my symptoms) or even the one bad tooth I have, which I've delayed having a root canal on or have pulled.

The only thing I know for sure is that I have solid proof that my symptoms weren't in my head (figuratively, at least), as some doctors tried to get me to believe as I left them to get new opinions. I also know that the one organ I hold most dear is being/has been attacked in some form or other and that scares me. Sure, our hearts and other organs are important but, in my personal opinion, they are the engine, carburetor, etc. while the brain is more like the transmission...without a way to shift, a car will just idle and that's a big part of what our brains offer us.

The damage could be permanent and /or progressive or something that's already hit it's peak and I just have to adapt to the cognitive changes that have already taken place. I have steadily lost the ability to multi-task effectively and find myself nearly walking into corners, getting dizzy/numb, etc. for a while now. The thought of losing any functioning, whether it's cognitive, motor, or whatever scares me...But I won't know until we run other tests what it is and what to expect.

All I know at this point is that my nature is to fight anything that poses itself as an opponent. I intend to fight whatever this is and pay forward any help I get along the way. I was looking into energy healing, acupuncture, etc. even before the test was run, with the intention of also getting help getting back into performing healings myself (Reiki classes, etc.) so I could help others who are out of balance. The call to do healings and re-awaken my creative self has been stronger recently than it's probably ever been and I hope I can still do it...